...and maybe in this life, we'll learn.

gandugali asked: Hi there how are you?

Good, thanks.

I guess it’s about time I updated you all on the boy situation

So I broke up with him the Thursday before my holidays. He was being so flip floppy and I was becoming fed up and felt too insecure to think the relationship could move forward. The next day, he was begging for me back… I told him it was best to wait until I was back from vacation to make any decisions but that we could carry on as normal until I left. He spent all of Saturday with me, keeping me company as I ran last minute errands. We went back to my house, had a late lunch, napped together and (probably not the best idea) had some great boom boom time. He went home to shower and have dinner while I finished up my packing. He came back around midnight and spent the night with me until I had to leave for my flight - overall a really sweet and romantic day.

While I was away, however, he was writing me daily letters on Facebook. He says he didn’t expect I was going to check my Facebook at all while I was away, but I did the second day there, and seeing the nature of them, I couldn’t help but check daily. They were confusing summaries of this thoughts and feelings toward our relationship - I love you, want you to be the person I end up with, but I don’t think I’m ready now, I need to go off on a nomadic quest (that’s the name I’ve given it) to learn to be a man and find myself and the meaning of life, what if my mind changes in the process, I don’t want you wait for me but I want to stay friends, why don’t you want to stay friends? maybe if we do things will work out in the end, but what if they don’t - needless to say I was heartbroken some days, worrying all the time what I was coming back to.

By Wednesday, I was convinced I was going to break up with him for good when I got home again. I didn’t want to hold him back from his dreams, I didn’t want him to stay with me simply because I wouldn’t stay friends with him post-breakup and so staying with me would be the only way to have me in his life. I know that he can’t live without me and would always hope we’d work out, and I would do the same, but that would hurt me too much so I couldn’t do it. Then on Thursday, I attempted to hook up with someone who was also from Toronto. But after 1 short kiss, I felt entirely uncomfortable - not because I had a boyfriend, but because the person I was with was not T. I knew I wanted nothing more than to be with him, and that letting him go would never be worth it.

By Saturday, my last day there, I realized I needed to know what I was coming back to. He had told me he’d be waiting at the airport, and I needed to know if when I saw him whether I should kiss him or slap him. I called him, not expecting the call to last more than 10 minutes, just to try to grasp his train of thought. We ended up on the phone for 2 and a half hours, fighting, making up, fighting again - just going around in a vicious circle, not coming to any conclusions meanwhile I was paying $3/minute for the call. I finally said enough. I told him he had that day and night and until my flight came in at 6:30pm the next day to figure out what he wanted. When he did, he’d know whether or not he should still come to the airport.

When my flight landed, I went through the gate after clearing customs and picking up my bags, he was there with flowers and a sign. I jumped him, he held me, we almost cried. I said I love you, he didn’t say anything back so I was thrown but let it pass. As my cousin drove us and my cousin who came on the trip with me home, T and I were in the back seat. He was extremely romantic and very snuggly. I could see pain in his face that was slowly dissipating. He accompanied us back to my niece’s birthday bbq my mom was having at my house, and even stayed for a while, chatted with my grandparents and my mom’s friends even though I told him I understood if he felt uncomfortable and wanted to go home. By then he’d said I love you several times, and had spoken of us taking our own vacation but that it’d have to be in 2015 because he’s saving for a family trip to Brazil next year, along with other long-term oriented banter. He left after 2 hours and said to call him later and he’d come by again.

Later that night him, myself, my cousin, and T’s brother got together and smoked up. In the midst of our stoned banter, T’s brother who is eternally loyal to me and consistently takes my side began to make a confession on T’s behalf. He told me not to listen to anything T said about being fine while I was gone. He said he’d been a hermit all week, didn’t go anywhere but to school, and that on the Tuesday night after the Leafs lost the game he cried about the loss, but it suddenly turned into him crying about missing me and not being able to live without me. He said it got so bad because he was sure I’d come home and dump him that at one point he stayed in bed for two days straight other than school, didn’t even get up to shower and barely ate. While it hurt that he hurt like that, I was glad he felt the same as I did, hoping he’d gained the same kind of clarity I had. T didn’t deny any of it.

We didn’t get any alone time until Monday night. We took a walk to get coffee, hung out there for a while, and walked back talking about my trip and what we’d both done all week. We went back to his house, and made really beautiful, passionate love, but what was even better was the way he held me afterward. I’d never seen him so in love. 

I can feel a deep love for me radiating from him, but I can also see guilt and doubt flit across his face now and again. He thinks I don’t notice because I don’t say anything. It also makes me scared to ask “what’s up” when he looks at me, like I usually do. I know what’s up, I know I don’t like it, I know he’s making an effort to move past it by signing up for martial arts schools in our city rather than pursuing the idea of moving to China indefinitely to learn it there. I just can’t fight about the same thing anymore, I don’t want to open up another can of worms. So while things are good, now I’m the one left insecure, filled with uncertainty, wondering if we can truly move past this.

Finally watched the Vampire Diaries season finale since I missed it while I was away. Mind=blown. Really wish they had stretched it out into 2 hours, it was a bit too choppy for my liking given that it was a season finale.

auzeen asked: You look gorgeous baby!

Thanks, doll! I try!

aveganjourney asked: hey ! just wondering if you ended up getting the tone it up plan? I'm also interested in getting it!

No, I didn’t. I spoke to a few people on here who got it and they said most of the recipes in the plan are shared on the website anyway. I’ve stuck to just eating lots of veggies, chicken, fish, eggs, brown rice and brown pasta, indulging minimally in sweets (overtime the cravings for sweets are not as frequent or intense) and that has worked well for me, so I figured I could save my $150. If you’re struggling with a vegan diet, though, it might help to look for vegans who have purchased the plan and see what they think. Hope that helps!

8 days later, I’m home from vacay!

I’ve made a Wordpress blog. I will share my writing on it, possibly draft my book, and share stories from my life and my life’s passions in a more articulate way as I wait for someone to fall in love with my writing and offer me a book deal.

My Dilemma - thoughts?

The fight this whole week with T has been on the basis that there were things he wanted to do with his life before settling down before he met me. He thought once we started dating, they would become irrelevant, but he says they continue to weigh on him because he feels they are things he needs to do in order to become the kind of man that deserves to be my husband and the father of my children.

He wants to go on a wayfaring journey of self-discovery - a less glamorized ‘Eat Pray Love’ kind of thing. I have no problem with that. The issue is, he says he will not come back until he knows he’s found himself, and he cannot promise how long it will take, but likely a few years. What he does promise is that he will come back to me, marry me, and spend the rest of his life with me.

He does not truly want to break up during this time, but he was trying to get me to break up with him because he knows it is not fair to ask me to wait for him. I expressed that if we end things, there will be no coming back. I will erase myself from his life, and him from mine, removing all evidence that we ever existed in each others’ lives - that is my rule, when any relationship ends. He does not want that, and so we will commit to staying together.

I want to make this work, as he doesn’t plan to do this for a few years. He doesn’t have the money to do it, nor does he have a real plan, just a strong desire to do it. My hope is that by the time he is able to do these things, he will no longer want to. My belief is that he will find himself before that time comes. 

He is only 23 right now. I still want most of the same things I did at 23, just at different times of my life now. But he is a guy, and I rationalize with that 2-year delay in maturity things will change. He is finishing school, and applied for a business admin internship yesterday, which he hopes will turn into a job afterward. He is starting to get involved in various committees at his college, and wants to work in business to build his resume, and gain expertise to start his own business later. I fully believe that in doing these things, he will build his self-worth, he will find himself, and he will mature in ways that make this wayfaring journey less appealing, and unnecessary.

But there is the chance that he does still go, because he strongly believes in this plan. There is the chance that this takes only a year or two or three - I can live with that; we’ve agreed that when the time comes we’ll visit each other every birthday and Christmas, Skype at least once a week, and stay faithful to each other. There is also the possibility that when he leaves, he realizes his mistake very quickly, and jumps on a plane home in as little as a week or two, a month or two - that’s even better. But there is the possibility that this goes on for 5, 10, 20, 30 years. I will leave if it goes on beyond 3 years. I have not told him this, I will when and if the time comes. I have told him, though, that when I can no longer wait, I will leave and he will only ever see me again once, for 30 minutes over coffee so that he can have closure. Beyond that I will treat it as I have any other breakup. 

The thing is, he still believes in his plan, and so despite our agreement on the terms, he still feels he is doing me a great disservice by allowing me to wait. Problem is, together or not, I will still probably wait, I will still hurt the same, I will still miss him the same, and vice versa. And despite our agreement, I’m just not sure. I know this is a choice I can only make for myself. I know that he is the one I’m meant to be with, so I will never take on another partner if he doesn’t come back, or if we break up before he goes. So I know I will hold on regardless of how it feels.

But I just don’t know if I should just let him go right now. Or if I should stay and hope that either he grows enough to choose not to go, or that when he does we will have built a strong enough relationship that he won’t be gone that long, and we will make it work in the interim. He is my last shot at a husband and family because I promised myself long before I met him that my next relationship would be my final attempt - my depression does not make it an option for me; the way I fall apart after losing love so severely and negatively impacts every aspect of my life because without medication I cannot cope, and I refuse to take the zombifying meds, and I have far too much to lose at this stage in life to make risking another breakup worth it. Regardless - because I know many people will say that’s dramatic bullshit, and that every girl says that - I don’t believe quitting right away is the right choice. I fully believe that if two people love each other and want to be together, there is no reason not to try until you’ve used up all your chances and resources.

Am I selling myself short by wanting to try? Am I making myself into a fool? I’d just like some support, and thoughts and opinions on the situation, though I know it’s not something I truly have to worry about for a few years.